@papasuncle

So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi

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@VeganZebra

WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less

@AbrasiveGhost

GOD: I call them Water Buffalo

ANGEL: But they live on land

GOD: Yep

ANGEL:

GOD:

ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u

GOD: Not a bit

@seamusmckracken

Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.

@chimneyspotter

[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?

@delusions_of

The guy at the urinal next to me doesn’t appreciate my theories on “Game of Thrones”.

@LetsGoDoyers

Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.

@CheryeDavis

Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.

@toomanytoes

Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables

Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am

@Spaziotwat

Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?