So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi

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WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less


GOD: I call them Water Buffalo

ANGEL: But they live on land

GOD: Yep



ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u

GOD: Not a bit


Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.


[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?


The guy at the urinal next to me doesn’t appreciate my theories on “Game of Thrones”.


Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.


Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.


Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables

Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am


Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?