So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
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My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either
My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling my building…which is all incredibly stressful because there’s just no way I’m going to get away with it twice
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.