WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
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GOD: I call them Water Buffalo
ANGEL: But they live on land
ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u
GOD: Not a bit
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
GOD: They need air to live
G: And food
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
The guy at the urinal next to me doesn’t appreciate my theories on “Game of Thrones”.
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo