So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
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Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.
Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
Legend 🤣🤣
We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.
[Christmas dinner]
Me [serving guests]: More ramen?
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
Ladies, if he’s
– always giving you one-word responses
– unsupportive when you’re visibly upset
– coming over unannounced in the middle of the night
– faintly tapping at your chamber doorHe’s not your man. He’s the Raven, nothing more.
Waffles make excellent pill organizers
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.