Going back in time, y’all need anything?
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I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying
WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?
ME: first of all, he says you’re rude
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.
Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”Me: oh
I have a new favorite meme page
told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up
Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.
5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland
Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it
5: You should just send me
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
Milk Cube