Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
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This world would be a much better place if some people’s mothers would’ve just had a headache.
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey
Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
When I was young, I wanted to date a doctor for money. How superficial was that? Now it would be for the prescriptions.
I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.
Got caught again. Next time I’m stealin alcohol from the neighbor’s, I gotta remember not to do it hummin the Mission Impossible theme song.