@ixix82

“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”

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@TheDairylandDon

I don’t believe in Bigfoot; because he never believed in me. I’d scan the crowd at my ballet recitals, and always see that one empty seat.

@lovemydogduck

My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.

@Dustinkcouch

911: what’s ur emergency

me: i’m in a bad spot. can u come get me

911: what’s going on?

me: i’m in jail. i only get one call.

911: and why are you in jail?

me: im callin 911 too much :/

911: yep. you know what this means.

me: worse jail :/

911: *nods* worse jail

@meghaffer

*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.

@TheFearBoners

I wouldn’t let you touch me with a 10 foot pole! No seriously, why do you have a 10 foot pole?! THAT’S NOT NORMAL!

@aaronnemo

I suck at video games. I mess up the character’s life like I have my own. I played Mario today and he ended up $60K in debt and had 4 DUIs.

@SortaBad

by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you

@BunAndLeggings

Me: pass me that cup

Kid: *gives me cup*

Me: I didn’t say simon says haha

[Later]

Me: PASS… MY… INHALER

Kid: not falling for that again

@davidkenny100

*screaming as if in agony at a wedding

*rubs throat

There has to be an easier way.
– inventor of the bagpipes

@Boleyngirly

My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”