“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
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Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.
Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
To make a long story short:
Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.
ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*
Wife: Hit the light.
*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
*At animal group therapy*
Moderator: introduce yourselves please
Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …
Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…
Sperm whale: do we have to do this?
Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art