@Vice_Queen

So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?

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@RedheadChaos

If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..

I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.

@bobsin

If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie

@brendohare

Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am

@heyitsJudeD

6yo: Newton discovered gravy

Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.

6yo: what’s that?

Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space

6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy

@NewDadNotes

Cop: I’ll ask you one last time did you or did you not see the stop sign back there?

Ace of Base: *starts sweating*

@PabloGSerski

Since joining Twitter, about 8 aggressive lampposts have walked up to me in the street and punched me in the face.

@Buncahn

[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount

@ClichedOut

nurse: how do u rate ur pain

me: it’s a thumbs down

nurse:

me: would not recommend

@michaelianblack

The phrase “Whatever floats your boat” is misleading because, practically speaking, the only thing that’s going to float your boat is water.