So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
You Might Also Like
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.
Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]
If Nelly tells you “it’s getting hot in here”, it’s not your job as a journalist to take off all your clothes, it’s your job as a journalist to look out the window and find out if it’s true
God: you’re a fire ant.
Fire Ant: what does that mean?
God: when you bite something it burns like fire.
Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?
God: what-no.
Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.
No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
me: [crying] it came outta nowhere
tour guide: a spider?
me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen
guide: [panicking] omg a snake?
me: razor-sharp claws
guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?
me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle
Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.
I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …
10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”
Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.