So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
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[First Date]
Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)
Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome
Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-
Guy: *grazing*
Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.
Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.
Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?
[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
#DidYouKnow?
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 😂🤣
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
[Getting phone call from the School]
Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.
M: Did he win?
T: That’s not really relevant.
M: It is to the winner.
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
Me: Push!
Grandkids: But, you’re heavy.
Me: What did the sign say?
Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :((
Me: Rules are rules.
My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff
[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??
“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
Ok, but like, how married are you?
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
One of the best facts is that sharks are older than Saturn’s rings because it suggests that sharks might somehow have noticed, like they might have looked up one day and said ‘wait, have you done something different with your satellites?’