@NicSampson

“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”

“That’s right.”

“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”

“Yes”

“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“

“—figgy pudding yeah.”

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@Hadzilla

At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table

@WKirkMarshall

(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”

“Honey, bunches of oats–”

“I think we’re done here.”

@AristotlesNZ

If I was Penguin’s attorney I’d request bail by saying “He’s no flight risk!” Then Hi-5 the whole courtroom but Batman.
I’d leave him hangin

@gossipgriII

using microsoft word

*moves an image 1 mm to the left*

all text and images shift. 4 new pages appear. in the distance, sirens.

@DothTheDoth

Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.

@Marlebean

“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”

“That’s only for narcs.”

“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”

@UnFitz

I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.

@Home_Halfway

I love this time of year, where my massive spider webs and the dead guy in my living room are “Halloween decorations” again.