“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”

“That’s right.”

“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”


“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“

“—figgy pudding yeah.”

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At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table


(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”

“Honey, bunches of oats–”

“I think we’re done here.”


If I was Penguin’s attorney I’d request bail by saying “He’s no flight risk!” Then Hi-5 the whole courtroom but Batman.
I’d leave him hangin


using microsoft word

*moves an image 1 mm to the left*

all text and images shift. 4 new pages appear. in the distance, sirens.


Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.


“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”

“That’s only for narcs.”

“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”


I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.


I love this time of year, where my massive spider webs and the dead guy in my living room are “Halloween decorations” again.