So you’re into the “bad boy” type? The kind who has a dark side, a tough childhood, breaks the law, everyone knows his name but dare not speak it, could use a nose job and a manicure?
Yeah, that’s Voldemort. You’re into Voldemort.

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First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.


Just saw a commercial for weight gainer pills. Have the people with this “problem” not heard of pizza and alcohol?


Life as a woman is just adding new body parts to your shaving regimen every year until you die.


me: [to uncle] *talking… *talking… *talking… red hot chili peppers…

grandma: [from another county] FOR HEAVENS SAKE, YOU KNOW I CAN’T DO SPICY HAROLD


I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.


Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.

CW: My phone says 81.

Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.


Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …

Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!

Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]