“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
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him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.
Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?
#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.
The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear
*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
[bedtime]
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.
ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
DAUGHTER: …
ME: Night, sweetheart.
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
#ProTip
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study