So you’re into the “bad boy” type? The kind who has a dark side, a tough childhood, breaks the law, everyone knows his name but dare not speak it, could use a nose job and a manicure?
Yeah, that’s Voldemort. You’re into Voldemort.

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landlords be like “do you have a stable job” bro do you???


Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.


I don’t know what “swag” is, but I was just told Justin Bieber & Lil Wayne both claim to have it. So, I’m assuming it’s not talent.


Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE…

Kids: *fighting*

Me: TWO…

Kids: *still fighting*

Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF

Kids: *brawling at this point*

Me: ???? ???? ???? *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three


‘Why do birds suddenly appear’ is my favorite song about a group of people giving me the finger while I’m driving.


*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow

*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow


Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair


They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.


*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*


Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.