*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
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Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.
[Ninja Dojo]
Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?
Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.
Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room
Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.
The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.
[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls
Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes
Me: why
Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall