So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
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Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”
Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes
boxer: but there’s SO many eyes
mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.
…..pretty much.
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
I have the body of a 30yr old
Sofa.
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
ME: *tying hotdogs together*
Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?
Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.
We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.
ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.