[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
You Might Also Like
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
me: are you ready for halloween?
friend: yes!
me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic
friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?
me: absolutely
daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done
INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness
Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
I’m awake but I object,
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.
Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
I love Instagram’s new direct messaging feature because I’ve always thought, “If only this picture of someone’s dinner was just for me.”
in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
They say you become what you hate and so I am terrified I’m going to become a young, vibrant beautiful man who’s loathful life is full of undeserved luck and success.
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.
My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested
Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.