“So You’ve Been Drinking and Think You Can Dance” now that’s a reality show I would watch.

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Me: happy 18th, buddy!

Son: thanks, dad

Me: got your stuff packed?

Son: what?

Me: what?


Stabbed myself in the eye with a yellow pen and now everything looks all Instagramy.


[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh


How to get a woman:

1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep driving

She’s yours now, plus you have a new car.


hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it


I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.


I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.

I think I found my spirit animal.


There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.


My nephew didn’t cry when Mufasa died so I stopped the movie. What is wrong with kids of today?