Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
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“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”
-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying