Me: happy 18th, buddy!
Son: thanks, dad
Me: got your stuff packed?
“So You’ve Been Drinking and Think You Can Dance” now that’s a reality show I would watch.
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Stabbed myself in the eye with a yellow pen and now everything looks all Instagramy.
[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh
How to get a woman:
1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep driving
She’s yours now, plus you have a new car.
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
can you read it!!??
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
My nephew didn’t cry when Mufasa died so I stopped the movie. What is wrong with kids of today?