@SammySkinns

“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”

That is definitely a reality show I would watch.

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@BlindVigil

If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.

@HomeWithPeanut

My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.

3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”

So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?

@knot_eye

I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.

@TheBoydP

[Jeopardy]

Disease for $500 Alex

“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”

What’s better than catching a man cold?

“Correct!”

@BunAndLeggings

1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.

@NicestHippo

[girlfriend yelling]
You have an unhealthy attachment to your pets with weird names!
[she knocks over my dead hamster’s shrine]
GILGAMESH!

@Marlebean

‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.

@gruffybeard

Me: You’re clingy & adorable. Like a koala.

Her: I’m amazed you can spell koala.

Me: *deletes ‘how to spell coalla’ from browser history*

@Token_Geezer

Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single

@ClichedOut

HER: i love babies

ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry