“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”

That is definitely a reality show I would watch.

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RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.


Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder


When my wife is out of town my sleeping position changes from ‘balancing on edge of bed’ to ‘snow angel’


professor x: what’s your super power

owl: terrible memory

professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?

owl: who


If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.


Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.


WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!



Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”

Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”


guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?