@SammySkinns

“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”

That is definitely a reality show I would watch.

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@SirEviscerate

RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.

@bea_ker

Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder

@SortaBad

When my wife is out of town my sleeping position changes from ‘balancing on edge of bed’ to ‘snow angel’

@FredTaming

professor x: what’s your super power

owl: terrible memory

professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?

owl: who

@ObscureAaron

If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.

@MindyFurano

Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.

@sofarrsogud

WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!

ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!

@Rollinintheseat

Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”

Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”

@Mom_Overboard

guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?