“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
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I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*
Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.
WHY would you be happy about this?
Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.*The fault in our Jars*
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
There are things I say outloud as a parent that before I had kids I would have never believed needed to be said and “if you don’t actually apply the sunscreen to your body it will not work” is one of those things.
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”
NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE
Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.
Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?
Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.
Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.
Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria
*tourists taking photos*
Me: Any questions? Yes. You there
Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room
A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’I was that kid’s first beard
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
My favorite sound in the world is my kids laughter.
A close second is when their breathing changes indicating they’ve fallen asleep thus giving me permission to stare at my phone peacefully
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.