If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
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My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.
3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”
So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?
I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
Me:Oh my God….
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.
You have an unhealthy attachment to your pets with weird names!
[she knocks over my dead hamster’s shrine]
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
Me: You’re clingy & adorable. Like a koala.
Her: I’m amazed you can spell koala.
Me: *deletes ‘how to spell coalla’ from browser history*
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry