“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
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[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan
What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.
Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand
me: how do i access the wifi
fa: im doing safety announcements
me: is that lowercase
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
Hotel California reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Such a lovely place”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Plenty of room. Excellent check out”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Can’t leave”
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.