So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.

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I don’t mean to brag, but I just completed my 21 day diet in 3 hours and 15 minutes.


Death: You’ll see me eventually.
Me: Or *will* I?
D: Uh, yes, you absolutely will. I’ve got you scheduled.
M: Or “do” you?
D: Stop that.


So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.


Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottle

Waiter: One ketchup coming up


This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.

Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️


According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.


While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.

Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed


It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.


I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.