So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
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her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
They’re on their honeymoon
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”
My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course
yes yes a thousand times yes!
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
Meme Monday.
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same
detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding
me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.