I don’t mean to brag, but I just completed my 21 day diet in 3 hours and 15 minutes.
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
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Death: You’ll see me eventually.
Me: Or *will* I?
D: Uh, yes, you absolutely will. I’ve got you scheduled.
M: Or “do” you?
D: Stop that.
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottle
Waiter: One ketchup coming up
This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.
Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.