Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
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handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
[Petco]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
INTERVIEWER:
*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*
Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”
5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”
Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself
Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!
[Hospital]
Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”
Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?
Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.
Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad
The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?
Me: no, I’m Dad
I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
I hope it’s French Onion!
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.