Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”

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How come my wife can’t hold her bladder for more than three hours but she can hold a grudge for fourteen years?


[hospital burn unit]

doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor

me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many


My Fitbit said I took 25 steps today…
maybe if I move my recliner closer to the bathroom, I be able to cut my steps in half !


Only as the condor bore me & my guitar away in its talons did I realize the crowd’s cries of “Free Bird!” were not a request, but a warning.


ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there


I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.


listen, officer – t h e o r e t i c a l l y – would I still get a carpool lane ticket if I have a body in the trunk