Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
You Might Also Like
I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
[Facebook Marketplace]
Me: Selling this guitar amp.
Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.
Me: How does this make sense in your head?
Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.
Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello
Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones
I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
employee: should I restock the vegetables
manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training
employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?