#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring
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[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.
Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”
They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶
Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic
pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now
A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK