@bobvulfov

sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight

after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen

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@RalphSudafed

My gf asked if I liked her more than I like chicken, and all I could say was “well I have known chicken longer…”

@djabish3k

I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.

@KizerBillhelm

Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?

@sgrstk

If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.

@novicefather

her: I have this weird fantasy where my man shaves me while I sleep

me: k

her: *wakes up with no eyebrows

@MattTheBrand

dad: what should we name him

mom: something beautiful

dad: something unique

mom: any ideas

dad: matt

mom: ok

@JohnHilsen

Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.

@ch000ch

[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep

@freedom2726

Hey! My husband wanted me to let you guys know he calls me his “wined up” toy.