*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
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My gf asked if I liked her more than I like chicken, and all I could say was “well I have known chicken longer…”
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
her: I have this weird fantasy where my man shaves me while I sleep
her: *wakes up with no eyebrows
dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
Hey! My husband wanted me to let you guys know he calls me his “wined up” toy.