If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
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“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”
But does my hair look good?
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they say
ME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
[after i confess to murder]
COP: sarge? you gotta see this
[shows interrogation video and sees my fingers crossed the whole time]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*
My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI