sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
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EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.
Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
Give a baker flours on your first date.
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment
super villain: no
contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
Oops I deleted….
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
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ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad