Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
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My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
Me: Delete it!
Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.
Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin
#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
My 6yo ate his dinner but apparently that wasn’t enough food because he said “I’m hungry” and I said “I’m daddy” which really wasn’t the answer he was looking for.
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.