sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
You Might Also Like
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish
Press 1 for English
Press 2 For SpanishPress 1 or 2 for Indian
If you get confused visiting Canada and you think you’re in France, relax my dear wanderer, you’re not high! It’s not you, it’s just Québec
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
Still my favorite headline of all time:
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no
I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.
Me: Mmm hmmm
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.