Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
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detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.
New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
As if parenting in 2020 isn’t bad enough, schools be like:
“iPads must be fully charged”
“Read all daily emails”
“A ‘healthy’ breakfast is essential”
“Wear pants”
“Ma’am, your language is inappropriate”
“PUT ON A BRA!”
“Have you been drinking?”Geez. Give us a break already.
My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)
I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!
[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
[Invention of Tennis]
“…and you just try to hit it back to me”
Wow, that’s really simple
“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”
For sure that’s the best part about it
“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”
Exactly! No weird stuff
“Yeah”
So how do you keep score?
UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.