god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up
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[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*
Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”
suspect: what?
lawyer: no further questions your honor
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist
Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.
“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”
*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*
“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Wife: mine’s-
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.
*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.
ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!