Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
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[on date]
Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.
Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.
Head Chef: You’re fired.
Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-
Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]
*Falls off ladder*
Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?
Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?
Wife: No.
Son: Why not?
Wife: You want to jump in here?
Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.
Time heals everything 🙂
If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
mom: what’d you do today?
christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole
mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR