@cravin4: Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You're not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
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@_The_Man__: wife: im pregnant me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments wife: im the mother me: this is what I'm talking about
@stephenjmolloy: Priest: "We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of- *looks at the casket suspiciously* Erwin Schrödinger."
@withanewname: The family pet is getting old so we're all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can't make it over there.