@cravin4

Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.

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@KentWGraham

The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.

@just1fool

Being misunderstood is an art and apparently I should open a gallery.

@sensual_dad

[watching the avengers with my wife]

(scene where the hulk appears)

me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek

@HammerFist3

Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time

@FeelingEuphoric

TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem

ME: *raising hand confidently* no

@thatdutchperson

Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:

1. Stay together forever
2. Break up

No pressure.

@JimmerThatisAll

I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.

@MyLife2567

I quarantined with my mother so that I didn’t have to worry about her safety.
PSA….I’m starting to worry about her safety.

@bobsin

Death is not the end.

You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.