Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.

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The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.


Being misunderstood is an art and apparently I should open a gallery.


[watching the avengers with my wife]

(scene where the hulk appears)

me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek


Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time


TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem

ME: *raising hand confidently* no


Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:

1. Stay together forever
2. Break up

No pressure.


I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.


I quarantined with my mother so that I didn’t have to worry about her safety.
PSA….I’m starting to worry about her safety.


Death is not the end.

You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.