Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
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I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome
First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
I love you…
…r dog.
if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
*uneasily answers phone
‘Guess who?’
David?
‘No’
John?
‘No’
Mike?
‘No’
Steve?
‘No, I made you very happy the other night’
Haagen Daz?
‘NO’
Pizza Hut?
Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.
idk what he going thru but i feel him
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
If you get confused visiting Canada and you think you’re in France, relax my dear wanderer, you’re not high! It’s not you, it’s just Québec
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.
mechanics be like
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*
please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??