Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
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When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.
4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.
Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!
I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”
That sucks. What’s he like?
“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”
But what’s his personality-
“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”
How’s his personali-
“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime
*herpes
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r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?