Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.

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Hello everyone this is your pilot speaking. If u look out the windows on your left youll see some fish. This is the worst Ive ever messed up


Parenting Tip: If your kid gets peanut butter in their hair, rub gum in it to get it out


My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.



At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.

Last seen in the word “Let’s”.

If you see it, please send it home.

Its tweet misses it.


I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.


My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.


Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.

Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.


Hot singles in my area have heard about me and are moving to other areas


[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]


Me: *looking at a barn full of feed* Who’s all that for?

Farmer: The cattle eat it

Me: Wow, that’s one hungry cat