Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up

receive Botox for severe facial tics and before I get the shots, I smear a numbing cream all over my face (because the shots are painful). When my neurologist came in the room and asked how I was, I said “I can’t feel my face when I’m with you.” I thought it was funny🤷‍♀️

I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.

My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.

Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:

William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black

When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.

I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language

My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.

This kinda thing happens to me often

*getting attacked by a bear in France*

ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.

I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.

My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.

my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard

I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom

It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.

Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.

Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”

[Surprise party for girlfriend]

Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*

GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?

[first day as Uber driver]

ME: Are you Keith?

Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:

Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”

Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”

Manager:“I need to see you in my office.

‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’

-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.

I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.

Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.

Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?

Rey: No.

Me: Good. Let’s get started.

Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.

My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple

My fingers: so we did a thing

Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”

It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.

The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm

Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals