Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
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Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way
You know where I’d like to go?
Missing
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.
How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
publisher: tell me all about it
orwell: it’s about a farm
publisher: sounds good
orwell: with animals
publisher: naturally
orwell: and they’re fascists
publisher: of course
I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.
My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.
[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money 😂
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Her: no
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.