Parent -1 Kid-0
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
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[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.
I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact
He living his best life
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE
Katana is Japanese for “sword”. In Japan they have great respect for swords and their moms dont knock them off the wall while vacuuming
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.