Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house

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[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship


I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.


90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.


Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.


I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact

He living his best life


My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…

~Only 15 more to go!!


COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-


Katana is Japanese for “sword”. In Japan they have great respect for swords and their moms dont knock them off the wall while vacuuming


I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.