A TV weatherman who keeps accidentally calling the anchorwoman mom
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
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Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵
WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
Someone at the bakery might have lost their glasses.
I feel like I could give a great NBA locker room speech. “Guys, we’re all millionaires, none of this matters.”