Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
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Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.
“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
*sips iced coffee*
man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately
*has another iced coffee*
I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night
*chugs redbull*
my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare
*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*
DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”
Click on account
Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girlMe: Okay, I can work with this.
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.
titanic
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.
Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.
Sub-Zero: You first.
Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
Follow me for more life hacks.
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby
Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?
Gatsby: … Yup
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.