Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.

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A TV weatherman who keeps accidentally calling the anchorwoman mom


Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..

I said , “The red runny type”.


PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.

🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵

WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?


Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible

Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job


Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.

Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.


Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.


a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe


I feel like I could give a great NBA locker room speech. “Guys, we’re all millionaires, none of this matters.”