Social distancing in Australia:
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WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma
[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.
“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
the kids’ music school announced a summer live family dance jam every wed at 11am, yeah ok, schedule this at a respectable drinking hour if you expect me to do this, but also, no
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…
Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant
My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.
[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.