Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
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not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
[grocery store]
CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident
ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”
CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…
ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.
I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️
In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that
No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.