@Breadery

Social Life Status: My friends are balloons with faces drawn on them. Stuart. My best friend. Popped two days ago.

You Might Also Like

@3sunzzz

[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!

Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.

@mommy_cusses

Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.

@Marlebean

Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.

@KarlreMarks

The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.

@juanadog

She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.

@bsnc64

“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”

Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”

@13spencer

[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.