Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
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all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch
– when did competitive farting become a thing
– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds
– bean-free chili recipes
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.
Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*
Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.
Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.
I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
Me ending every email:
THanks!
THanks{backspace}
THank{backspace}
THan{backspace}
THa{backspace}
TH{backspace}
Thanks!
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
How your email finds me
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore