I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.
“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”
*pulls the plug*
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
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“Change is never easy…”
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
The only two white actors in Black Panther are Martin Freeman, who played Bilbo Baggins, and Andy Serkis who played Gollum. They’re the Tolkien white guys.
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?
Girl can I ask you a question *gets down on one knee* would you like to make $8,000 a week working from home
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.