@MikeZakarian

Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.

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@Reverend_Scott

I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.

“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”

*pulls the plug*

@TheBoydP

“Change is never easy…”

~McDonalds employees

@noog

Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me

@Mr_DrinksOnMe

The only two white actors in Black Panther are Martin Freeman, who played Bilbo Baggins, and Andy Serkis who played Gollum. They’re the Tolkien white guys.

@Reverend_Scott

The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.

@Darlainky

Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?

@briangaar

Girl can I ask you a question *gets down on one knee* would you like to make $8,000 a week working from home

@FierceMess

Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.

@hipstermermaid

Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.

@markydoodoo

I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.