Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
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*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*
Me: Who called it a religious pilgrimage instead of a roamin’ Catholic?
Salesman: So, I’ll just assume you want the extended warranty.
Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.
Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
[on phone]
ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?
HER: We broke up. I told you last night
ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
☺️
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.
Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.Instructor: Welcome to class.
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!
David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
My what?
Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason