I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
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ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
Well, that didn’t work.
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
Breakfast for Stoners:
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out
Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.
Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.
Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL
Doctor:
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.
If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news
me: ok what’s the good news
lab assistant: you got an a on your test
me: ok…and?
lab assistant: it’s hepatitis
Genie: you get three wishes
Dog: I wish I was inside
Genie: two wishes
Dog: I wish I was outside
Genie: one wish
Dog:
Genie:
Dog: I wish I was inside