Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
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Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
Me [double-clicking a word to select it]
Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?
Me: no, just the one word
Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?
Me: no, just that word…
Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
My new way of torturing someone is the pay a giraffe to show up outside and knock their window at 3 am and no one will ever believe them that a giraffe is stalking them. Sure, Tim. A giraffe was outside your house in the middle of Ohio. That’s totally believable🙄
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.
Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
#SCOTUS one-star review
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.