fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
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Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!
Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!
On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?
Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Me: Why?
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*
Wife: Good morning handsome
Me: Hi
Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you
Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?
Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again
Me: There it is
We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.
Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
Now this is how you LinkedIn
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!
My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
what are they serving at kfc then???
My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.
Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?
boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!
the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like