@Sarcasticsapien: Social media is basically like being in a bad relationship, you love it so much but deep down you know you’d be way better off without it.
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@meganrosati: If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar
@TheToddWilliams: [principal's office] "Your child's previous school indicates you're a bit of a helicopter parent." Velociraptor: That's got to be a typo.
@minafisheyes: Facebook sent me a notification....unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
@TweetPotato314: [Argument at family dinner] Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time. Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They're too busy yelling to notice.