They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
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*takes a hit off the joint
This is the best baked sale ever
“It’s a BAKE sale”
Tell me about it
For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.
So, yeah, you’re right.
If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
5yo: Can we go get a turtle? They’re so cool!
Me: Whats so cool about turtles?
5yo: They can breath thru their butts!
Me: Grab your coat..
You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
I hate how everybody is acting like they love this new pope so much and they’re such big fans but probably can’t even name 3 of his songs.
*Swirls and sniffs glass
Me: Ah, yes, very nice, this one is bold in its simplicity
Host: Ma’am, that glass is empty
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling