Listened to some Beethoven last night. And some Lady Gaga today. Now I’m quite confused.
Who’s the deaf one again?
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Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?
Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.
Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.
Which idiot called it a vasectomy?
Rather than ‘I kid you not’
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
Alcohol may be man’s worst enemy, but the bible says love your enemy.
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]
My diet is similar to a 9 year old who just found $20.
I don’t steal my tweets from song lyrics!
Y’all gon’ make me lose my mind, up in here, up in here.