feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
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Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.
You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?
Me: What do you mean?
4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?
Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good
Genie: alright then [disappears]
Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.