Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
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My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-*wakes up*
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie
Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me
For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: well?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise
Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
[school email]
Parents, please send a snack with your child to school…no cookies or candy please. Let’s keep it healthy:)[same email]
Today’s lunch menu: Chocolate chip pancakes, syrup infused bacon, Mtn Dew soaked carrots, snorted Pixie sticks, and liquified Cinnabons
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.