Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
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the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
[later]
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg
I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦♂️😏🤦♂️😉🤦♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD
Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?
Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing
Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there