Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
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some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield
During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”
WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”
[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
“Whoa nice car”
Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels
[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
I have written yet another poem about laundry
I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.