Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
You Might Also Like
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —
Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.
I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
Reached the age where my body is like, “oh yeah, forgot to tell you, we can’t eat cucumbers after 7 P.M. anymore.”
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
HER: I wanna be your everything.
ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.
HER: No, not like-
ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about
KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?
ME: change the wi-fi password
KID: nonononono I’m sorry
Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.
What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?
Bear 1: You’re adopted
Bear 2: The cancer is terminal
Bear 3: This tweet ain’t funny