every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
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I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.
ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.
ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…
I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king
WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir
My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.