Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!
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Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
they really do be looking like this
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18
“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”
WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it
husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.
[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a
ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.
[at hair salon]
Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!![in car two minutes later]
Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair
(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.
I used to be one of these chefs who always swore and shouted until I discovered oven mitts.
#ChefDay #RubbishJokes
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle