Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!
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eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
SNAIL: I’m a turtle?
GOD: No, you’re a snail
SNAIL: I have a shell
GOD: Yup
SNAIL: and I move really slowly
GOD: Yeah, all the time
SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?
GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
Donkey I Shreked the Kids
She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.
#Caturday
And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Oh Lord Hashtag Lol
Me: Ugh I’ve gained so much weight
Him: It’s ok, babe
Me: [my eyes turn black as the sky darkens; a swarm of locusts encircle us; a priest faints and a demonic voice exits my mouth uttering a simple sound] Oh?
Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)
Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! 😍
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
Well well well…
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.