Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”
You Might Also Like
Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
[Kids party]
Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?
Me: yep
[Backyard]
Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…
A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
Name another movie that mislead you?
My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.
I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ
also my brain: John F. Cennedy
ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.