After grandpa’s unfortunate steamroller incident last year, man crush Monday is always a difficult time for me and my family.
Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”
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Wife was feeling kinky last night so she got naked and I tied her to the headboard, then me and my buddy ordered pizza and played X-Box.
So if something’s not “unique” then it’s just “ique,” right?
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
ME: how old is your son?
WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
Hand me the Phillips screwdriver, babe. No, the Phillips. NO. Ok look, hand me the thing you stabbed me with on New Year’s. Thanks pumpkin!
BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.
MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*
Him:The seven dwarves were on a bus, they all started to feel Sleepy. So Sleepy got off.
Me:Oh come on, man! That pun was Dopey!
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.