houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
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Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.
[Mad scientist lamenting]
“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!DAMMIT I’M MAD !”
(Pauses)
“Hey…wait
making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out
If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.
📸: @blessingmanifesting
#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet
I’ve never protested anything before but dude when I found out that pigs have like 300 nipples bruh, I was mad as hell. I made a sign for my yard about it, you know, and I stopped eating pigs milk man I didn’t touch pigs milk for maybe a month.