@JohnDuffy21

Social networking has become a club. Twitter is the dance floor. Instagram is the bar and Facebook is the people crying in the bathroom.

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@sexncake

Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.

@capnwatsisname

Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.

– Cannibal Presidential Debates

@joejwest

ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload

@doktorj

Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?

Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.

@tarashoe

oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere

@truegritrumble

ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.

@MissNaughty1801

*approaches man sitting at the bar
Me: would you like to dance
Him: yeah!
Me: that’s great because I need to sit down

@theshamingofjay

It’s a good thing this video game is rated mature because it’s going to be babysitting the kids tonight.

@LnL245

Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.

@KalvinMacleod

Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.