@JohnDuffy21

Social networking has become a club. Twitter is the dance floor. Instagram is the bar and Facebook is the people crying in the bathroom.

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@pittdave13

Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…

@perfumegenius

11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.

@assfro

Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.

@prodigalsam

“I wish I had more time to read” he said as Netflix automatically played the next episode.

@SilverKick

Emotions don’t scare me. People who manage to hide theirs completely, do.

@huntigula

Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*

@TuffyNyC

Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.

@coketruck76

Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW

@Ideal_Victoria

“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”

– How my friends explain me to others.