If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
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You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?
Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?
Touché kid
My warrants are pretty outstanding.
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.
good morning
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”
That feeling when he says you look angelic but you don’t know if he means you look really pretty or if you have an abnormally high number of eyeballs.
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.