Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
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Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41mGroundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days
[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”
– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.
Assistant: Algorithm.
R: No you stay here and help me.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?
What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?
Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*
Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell
Me: so I get to be the devil
Therapist: no absolutely no-
Me: Very cool
Therapist: wait but
Me: incredibly cool
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.
Look at phone to see what the time is.
Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check TwitterStill no clue what the time is.
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no